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Addie and I went to Chic-Filet for dinner. We both got a chocolate shake for dessert. Now what are all these boys doing in my yard?

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Me (after being smacked in the face by a branch on my bike ride home): Did you see my face?

Wife: Why, what happened? Oh my gosh! Did you break your nose? It’s all swollen and crooked!

Me: Uh, no. I scratched my lip. But thanks for letting me know about my big crooked nose.

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Mary (flexing): I have strong muscles Me: Yes you do Mary: I could probably kill one of the kids at school Me: .. Mary: I could kill you